For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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