I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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