I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Send help, water and tortillas.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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