I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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