Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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