I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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