The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I need a beard to bite.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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