I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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