My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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