You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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