fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
