I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
