I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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