We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
