All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
