I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
