My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I need to stop coming to work sober
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The air was thick with penises
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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