Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
