worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
