what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
