Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
