so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
