My Higher Power is John Stamos
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
