You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
