Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
