explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
