I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
