He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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