does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
