I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
