If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
