Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
