I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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