We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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