I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
