I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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