Screwed.edu
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
