im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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