clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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