Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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