your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
