Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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