I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
