I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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