i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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