I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
