I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
