..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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