I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
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