dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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