I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize