I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
