Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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