I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
