Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
