Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
