I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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