2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
