There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
